I’ve been unemployed for a few months now and I’ve found that it has many stages that are generally experienced. An unemployee may go through the following Unemployment Phases.
1. At first you’re really excited about the prospect of not having to work and be confined to listen to another human. You’re not the Boss of me! Literally. The freedom is quite satisfying. It makes you want to dance. And you think you’re so good, you’re very sure you can audition for So You Think You Can Stomp the Yard: The Streets, All or Nothing in 3D. You probably can’t.
2. You catch up on sleep. You sleep and sleep and sleep. A LOT. To the point where you question whether or not you’ve become a sloth. Or Sleeping Beauty. It is amazing.
3. When you’re done sleeping, after what feels like 15 years, you have a new found optimism towards life. Taking advantage of this, the unemployee will try and get as many things done as possible. A To Do List may ensue. A list comprising of all the things you just never had free time to do, or things you’ve always wanted to try. For example, taking your demon cat to the spca for shots. Going to SARS to pay any outstanding taxes. Baking. Writing a spanish soap opera. Become a butcher. I don’t know. The possibilities are endless!
4. You treat yourself and relax, as you deserve! Working is hard. You indulge in massages, haircuts, pedicures, spa days. Or if that’s not your type of thing, you basically wear no pants and allow yourself to revel in the beauty that is a free crotch.
5. You spring clean your room. Mine took two days. I have to admit, there were some trying times. I’m pretty sure a pile of clothes tried to attack me at one point, but I cannot be certain. The fruits of my labour were pretty interesting. I found an embarrassing flare jeans, a medal from a big walk I did (I know, who walks FOR FUN?) and a box of letters I wrote to friends from grade GRADE 7. Letters that contained proof of me using phrases like “BFFs”, “You Go Girl!” and N*SYNC lyrics. I burned them immediately and cried a liddle inside.
6. The optimism and need to achieve everything in the whole world, including World Peace, seems to wane. You think, “Hmmm, I can do more things on my list tomorrow. I haven’t watched series in a while. Maybe just one episode of…”
7. LIES. It was never going to be just one episode! Five days lader and you realize that you’ve watched full seasons of Game of Thrones, Parks and Rec and Buffy from when it was still cheesy (but amazing. Buffy STILL remains a badass to this day). Binge watching series and movies becomes an unemployed staple.
What do you mean Ross and Rachel broke up? Oh but they got back together again! Leslie and Ben are having babies? Whaaaat! Amazing. Calm down. You don’t know these people. They aren’t real and you need to stop getting so emoszhionally invested in their lives. (Jokes. They’re real in your heart. And knowing what’s going to happen to Jon Snow’s beautiful hair is of utmost importance).
8. Your eating habits start fluctuating and fall in to two categories:
A. I eat everything and nothing is safe.
B. I found this lemon cream and now I’ll eat it and forget to nourish myself for a few hours.
I’ve fallen in to category B. My daily diet consists of two lemon creams for breakfast and one apple. One time I found an avo and made toast. It was like I’d struck gold!
9. Monday mornings are wonderfully bearable. In fact, you relish getting to lay in the comfort of your bed while everyone else needs to brave the tundra. Especially since this year, Cape Town has arctic fomo and is trying to be like Iceland #notfetch #NOTFETCH
10. Your sense of time becomes completely warped. Sure, yes I’ll meet you for lunge. 57th of July at food ‘o clock? Yes. Yes I’ll be available.
11. You develop a new sense of appreciation for onesies, pajamas, gowns, slippers and huis klere. You also realize how nasty your huis klere is and, for the sake of the human race’s survival, should never be seen by other human eyes #sloblife
12. You spend a lot of time alone and establish a close relationship with your pets. i.e dressing them up, writing starring parts for them in your spanish soap operas.
13. You develop weird food crushes. I’ve developed a pretty profound affinity for cheese.
14. You become an internet expert. OF COURSE I’ve seen that article on Buzzfeed. Yes, I did the quiz on what Disney character I am. Yes I saw that on Instagram. Did you see that fight on twidder? No I didn’t do the quiz on what celebrity baby I most look like.
15. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WEAR PANTS
16. Or BOOB JAILS
Let’s appreciate that again shall we.
17. You start blogging. Ahem. For some reason you start wondering why you’ve never shared your insight and full wealth of knowledge and awesomeness with the world. Cough.
18. You become a profeszzhional at doing nothing. For long periods of time.
And eventually…you get bored. Thankfully, I’ve only had a few days like that before a new project or freelance work demands my attention and I’m saved once again from sitting and doing nothing.
19. And the most painful stage without a doubt, is the crashing realization that you have no money. Poor. Broke. Poverty. Bergie Life. You realize how mudge you liked having money and how nice it was to buy things. You then revert back to student life and hustle and save wherever you can. Oh yes half price suszhi. Oh, you want to go out for burgers? I can only go on a Monday night to Spur. Yes younger sister, I will make you a toasted cheese sandwich, that’ll be R2 please. WILL DANCE FOR FOOD. R2 extra for every shimmy.
Either way. Being unemployed is the best ever for me right now because no pants, no need to interact with annoying humans unnecessarily and copious amounts of time to spend in any way that I want. BECAUSE I CAN.
*Goes to look for food in the fridge. Finds a piece of cheese and an apple and has a feast*