I am small. I say it a lot, I know, and so do other people. More often than not, I’m greeted (usually for the first time) with an exclamation of “Oooh, you’re so small!”. I wasn’t lying. Now, I know what you could be thinking, “I’m probably smaller” or “I know really short people”. Research has shown that you actually do not (by research I mean all the other short people I have ever come across. I was too lazy to make graphs).
To prove my point, I’m 1.44m short. Go measure that. YEAH. EXAGGLY. That’s bladdy short.
So, what does my lack of height mean then?
1. It makes me memorable. (Sure, coupled with my gigantic mouth & awkward things that I say and do).
2. I hate not being the smallest. It confuses me, because how can you take my life purpose away from?! What do you mean I’m taller. than. her. cannot. dough. lime. sock.
3. I’ve found that one of my true callings in life is to make other short girls happy. The look of amazement and glee that spreads across their faces when they meet someone shorter than they are. Seriously. I am basically Midget Santa, spreading joy by just being shorter than everyone.
4. It means that even though I’m approaching my 25th birthday, I currently look 16. Given the right hairdo, I’m pretty sure I could look 14 (also because have you SEEN 14 year old girls today? Do you they even lift? Yes, they do. That or their mother has been spiking their food with growth hormones and jungle oats since birth).
Put me in a ponytail and capri pants (sies. who let us do this man?) I could def push for 13.
During my teen years, my height & youthful face was frightfully annoying. I honestly believed that no boy would take me seriously and write me letters saying “I smaak you, do you smaak me back, tick yes or no”. Not that I liked boys. Boys are gross. Unless you have a lovely bearded son, middle aged aunties who may be reading this.
I was also the friend, we all have that friend, the one who could never enter in to over 18 “establishments”. This meant I’d kill the vibe for everyone else. This is of course, hypothetical, for all the middle aged aunties who may be reading this.
Now, as I’m growing older, I realize the true beauty that comes with looking young. Chances are, when I’m 35, I’m going to look 27. Unless from now until then I smoke 701 packs of cigarettes a day and end up looking like that lady from kung fu hustle.
5. I can fit in to kiddies sizes. And when it comes to pants, sometimes a 13-14 is the only option.
6. And on the other hand, trying to find clothing that doesn’t make me look like a weird tiny asian man in overgrown pants is a feat on it’s own.
Oooh, what great pants.
Oh, my mistake. This is clearly size large german butcher. Oh look. and there’s 75 metres extra fabrig on the leg area. Now in true coloured style, I can take it home and have a madging poncho made. Or curtains for the lounge.
7. I can get half price on entry and items at certain places. Hello? Aquarium? Yes, I am 17. Half price please. Shugran. What is this? A human for ants! She needs to be AT LEAST 3 times bigger!
8. I can sneak around relatively undetected. I once* got in to an empty cupboard and drawer, just to see if i fit. I did. Same goes for car boots. Which, now that I mentioned it, is not a great thing to say in case kidnappers are reading. I promise my family is poor. No one will give you money for me.
9. Crowds and queues are my favourite. OH HOW SHE LIES.
I cannot tell you the countless times I’ve literally stood IN people’s armpits. You really learn to appreciate the ability to breathe freely after that. Particularly in congested train carriages. My fondest memories of commuting, include playing this super fun game called “I wonder what deodorant Liesel is wearing today, I really hope she is”. As if you could choose whether or not you wanted to play. In a close 2nd is the game “Does the man by the door definitely klank today?”
And then, getting sweated on. I’m sure many of you have experienced when someone behind you in a queue tries to perform osmosis through your back. But unless you’ve stood next to a 57 metre individual (that’s everyone to me) and had their sweat druppels RAIN on you from sudge a height, like bladdy grenades, you know nothing…Jon Snow. They gather speed and momentum, they aim to kill. they take no prisoners.
10. I’m great to pick up and throw around and do tricks with. I’m currently looking for a partner for So You Think You Can Dance and Stomp The Yard in The Streets? Keep in mind that I’m a light weight for lifts. Judges give extra points for alacrity and effulgence (go watch bring it on if you don’t believe me) and majesty of course. Honestly, my crumping and jazz hands aren’t up to competition standards, but I’m willing to work on it.
11. I FREAK out when I hug people around my age who are the same size (by that i mean like 3cm bigger). Because HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO SMALL.
12. This one time a guy seriously asked if i was a midget. I don’t know. Are you?
13. Walking passed shop windows with other people where I can see my reflection is odd. This is the only real time where my height is really put in to perspective. It’s the only time i realize my size in relation to others. I don’t like it. It obscures my world view and throws me off.
14. Wearing heels confuses me, because when did you guys shrink? What’s happening here? Why is everything suddenly within reach?
15. Size 3 shoes go 1st. The pain…the pain…
I’ve seen girls physically fight over shoes (not really. But I imagine it would be violent. Sloffies to the kop. Tsek! Buccaneer to the bek). Size 3 girls know that the rule is, when you see it, you keep it in your hands, until you’re completely certain it can fit your weird geisha voete and you’re going to purchase it.
16. When I’m surrounded by teenagers I feel awkward because they don’t realize that I’m not their age & they should actually be bringing me cookies during the Ramadaan.
And that’s all can think of right now. I have to end off with a positive message I guess?
Um. Believe in yourself. Something something. You are unique. Er…Love yourself no matter your shape or size. Love heals all!